Not much of reminiscing…but still...

Don't know why I feel like I wanna write about something today. In fact, I always feel like I always want to write. Yet, each time I took out my writing tools, (it depends-paper and pen, or computer, or phone) I don’t know what subject should I write about. It had always end up me writing nonsense. But it made sense to me right now. Why? It's because now I finally realized that I missed my diaries a lot. I mean so far…I miss the one diary of mine which is literally so colorful. It really was. And the colors applies to what's inside of it. The colorful diary of mine was the concrete symbol of my colorful and cheerful and playful and carefree life of mine of those times I held them each time I want to alphabetize what I saw, what I feel, what I care about etc etc.

Talk about diary. The one I mentioned above was the last diary of mine before I left Malaysia, the land of my sweet childhood. Everything written in the diary is of genuine thoughts of mine and most especially they'd came from the bottom of my heart, with strong literature impact.Oh yeah? It's because I wasn't using any language to write on but Malay. And I don't want to brag but I am very good in Bahasa Malaysia. (Yea, not Bahasa Melayu cause Malays generally are divided into two major groups, according to the places where it's being used, and general generally there are two: the Malaysian malay and the Indonesian malay. And guess what, under those places mentioned, the languange is again varied according to more specific towns again.) 

And so much for that. Let's get back. I am good in Bahasa Malaysia and I really was. (Dunno what happen to me now but somehow I lost track in two different countries and their customs and their languages. What a mess. See, now I'm messing myself out with this international language. Just how much should I have to improve this.) It was always being reflected in my grades in the subject back then. And mind you, the grades were not measured by a single test paper in an examination, but measured by usually, as far as I could remember, the minor tests, major exams-school level and nationwide exams like PTS and UPSR  (let's break it down, there are always objective exam that is called multiple choice paper composed of like 40-60 items if I'm not mistaken, and the most agonizing of all is the subjective exam that requires us to answer open-ended questions based on specified novels we took up and an essay or any article with specified number of word bracket, and yeah, talk about language, the oral exam with limited time to read, to comprehend and to answer the questions face to face to your teacher about certain selection…jeez…I took them all stupendously back then. I was really that good in Bahasa Malaysia. In fact, my grades was always A+ or A- in the card) of course assignments, projects, and etc etc.

And my point is- I wrote my diary in a language that let me pick out every exact word that I know so well and is precisely needed to describe every encounter of my life then in a paper black and white. But not literally black and white cause I use to use colors in every mood of my writings, blended with all creativity. And when I read that back, everything was so mesmerizing. Everything is twisted with every exact word of accuracy and color of the season that seems to lead me back to those encounters of which I've put them all in paper- diary to be saved for last, and they apparently seemed to re-visit-able each time  read them back. I can almost see it happened all again, rewinded in front of my eyes as I read everything again. That is how powerful the language for me as my instrument in writing my diary…back then. You really can spool back time, but not literally, as long as you saved them all, by writings or by pictures and of by any kind you name it. We're kinda applying the tools created by high technologies by now. Nevertheless, I daresay, nothing can replace the time-honored paper-and-penjournal or just simply diary.

But as for now, the dearly beloved diary has long gone. If only I could protect the diary from the stupid ants that built their stupid cave and made my beloved diary a dwelling out of it. It really meant a lot to me. It really is. The colors, the pictures, the scent, the modes, the songs, the mantra, the stickers, and most especially the writings and the thoughts, the priceless bittersweet memories of countless experience that I ever had. And for my benefit, I thought, I should threw it away, so that I can start off a whole new life in a whole new country with a whole new perspective. I want to leave everything behind. I want to get over my life in Kinabalu city. That is what I thought. I did threw it all, but not the reminiscence. A life that is full of drama, stupidity of a normal teenage, crazy thoughts, and accidents and challenges. Yet it was full of life, full of colors, full of creativity, full of fun and full of hope and I feel like my potential is on its height.  I did threw away the diary. And I regretted it. I missed every single page of the diary and even the smell of it. Suddenly I feel like crying now. Never thought how far life has brought me to and would bring me to.

You know, since then I started with a whole new diary. Lemme describe the first diary of mine in the Phillipines. It was a typical notebook (just like the previous one.), inside it was written using black or blue or red ink ONLY. No other colors, no stickers, no light, and no fun, back yet.  I almost feel like I'm hopeless. Just how miserable my life was…symbolized by those colors. All I could recall was the culture shock, the longingness, the breakdown, the disappointment, the misery, the anger and I could almost taste for the first time of my life then, the real poverty. How wretched and gloomy I was back then after the sudden transition. On the upside though, the black, blue and red are the basic colors or hues of real life. These colors taught me how to put my feet on the ground, how to stand on my own, how to face real challenges, how to be kind, how to be straight, how to be good, how to appreciate small things, how to get real, how  to live and most especially how to get near God, the Almighty Allah.

Step by step I learned. I learned the hard way. Alhamdullilah, thanks for the love of everyone, thanks for the love of Allah, and with every help I got, I slowly raise myself up, constantly improving myself. You see, if you happen to know me, I am not a perfect person, and certainly I'm way too far behind to be called a good one, but this is the BETTER version of ME. I miss my old life, but I wish I'd led it in a better way. And I miss my real name. Helenah Sahara. It was me. Now my name is cut short for Helen. But HelenKhan is better, and still Helenah Sahara is the best. And the real one.

Cover Craze

Hot and Cool.

I met this guy… I mean we don’t actually met. We got to knew a  bit of each other on this sophisticated social network-Facebook. Should I say thanks to Mark Zuckerberg? Or should I say I regret it instead? The answer is blurred in my mind. And I don’t even wanna know the answer. All I wish is that, just like the song, wake me up when it's all over.

I don’t wanna write every bit of everything about how we met in Facebook and in person. I just want to write this because I want to remember how I professionally met a guy for the first time. Ugh, at least that's how I felt today. Oh are you kidding me? Actually I'm a bit ridiculous and always stumble when meeting a guy. I could remember I met like two guys and it was an arranged meeting. I tried to act normal and end up staggering. Those days were gone with the wind I guess. I felt stupid remembering all those moments.

Today was not actually arranged for me to meet with somebody. I was told yesterday that I'd be sent to accompany the front-liner of my family to give respect to the invitation of one of our family friends. And off we went. I actually expected that I might met him there but made no extra effort look more pleasant whatsoever.

It bores me during the occasion. Coz one friend I knew was conducting the ceremony so I have no one to talk to. Suddenly I saw this familiar face coming inside. He has this cool smiling face. And right at the moment I saw him my heart went crazy inside. It feels like they're frantically drumming through my chest. Crazy! I tried not to look at his side. He took a seat at the side so I felt relieved that I wont have the pressure of meeting his gaze ( if he ever stares at me). And somehow I regret that I didn’t made any effort to made myself more attractive. Too late. The show was on now. I didn't glance at his way because circumstance may need me to open a conversation while the ceremony is still going on and it supposed to be conducted solemnly.

We sat silent and I pretend to pay my every attention to the ceremony. No one seemed to know that I actually my mind was so distressed and tensed. I act cool though. Damn. I just knew this will happen.

After the somber ceremony he stood and went inside the dining area of the house without glancing on our side. Okay. I'll catch with him later. My friend was also his friend. So it'll be easy to at least acknowledge him. No, don't get me wrong. I felt the need of me to get to talk to him so that at least he'll know that I appreciate his giving me of chocolates and every chat we did last time.

After some time chit-chatting with his folk, he went out towards us. Our mutual were actually sitting together with us. I started. Oh girl… I took it like I'm some kinda expert and whoa…I didn't stumble. He too. He's so mature and sensible. Like him =) (regardless the rumor I heard about him)

♦I called him by his first name to acknowledge him. With a smile of course.

♦He too. I think he smiles a lot. Or at least he put up a smiling face on his for this occasion. And he extended his hand to me. I think I heard him called me by my surname. We shook hands. (I felt I'm so very casual and very business-like here.)

♦We started a small conversation. Not much. Just so we could talk. Thanks to our mutual friend.

♦He seemed to know everyone in the occasion. Of course he should, after all they're his folks.

♦I introduce my aunt to him. He repeated my introduction, like to confirm that he heard it right.

♦My aunt thought he's a gentleman. He really seemed.

♦We ate our own food together. Once again thanks a million to our mutual friend.

♦And time went by fleetly. Aunt decided that we must go. So I said we'll go ahead to him. He said we'll just go together. Unfortunately I said my aunt is rushing for sembahyang. He finally said yes.

End of show. No it's not actually a show. It's me. Real. But it's end of my business-like meeting with a guy. And bravo to myself I did handsomely =)

Generally I like him. I don’t know about him, on the other hand. But not to the extent that I fall my heart on him, okay. The limit does exist.

Sweet Like Chocolate =)

These are sweets...

  This is sweet...

     This is sweeter...

        These are much sweeter...

           But this is much more sweeter x)

....See, sweet like chocolate, is it not?

P/s: (Thank you for the blessing Lord Allah, the Most Merciful..)

Bad News 2013 =(

As usual, after my first period class in the morning I go out of the lab to give the privacy floor and freedom of feelings to the next teacher who's going to use the lab on the next period. I took all the quiz sheets of my students and my phone together with its headphone.

I went inside the reading centre in which right next to the reading corner is where the office of the School Head situated. I sat silently and checked all the works of my students with headphones attached to my ears. I don’t know what made me took off one of the earphone from my ears. It's when I accidentally ear-dropped the conversation of our school head with I don't know who. Could be the guest. I really don't know who. But that's not the point.

The conversation more or less went this way.

Don’t know who: Sir, tinuod nga mohawa na daw ka? Tapos si Teacher Gina and mopuli?

(I thought it was just a silly question. In my mind I answered, dugay pa oi, diri nah moretire si sir.)

The conversation went on. I don't know what's next but I tried to not to skip a heartbeat when I heard this from sir.

Sir Jose: Wah ta kabalo ug i-transfer tah. …

It went on. And I feel like there's something important in Sir Jose's line. Something serious. Something heart-aching. Like a bad omen it seemed to me. I don’t want to anticipate it. But I did not know why it seemed so real. Like it's happening. I silently wished that it will not be too soon. How true is that? I have to ask someone. It filled my head all morning till noon. I went back to lab on lunch break.

I asked Teacher Gina about the matter.

Me: Teacher, tinuod mo transfer daw si Sir?

Teacher Gina: (Smiled impishly.) Asa ka nakahibalo? ( She seemed to know something.)

Me: Nadunggan nako sa storya-storya nila Teacher Leonila ug ni Sir ganina sa office nia.

Teacher Gina: Sa tinuod lang galihok na baya si sir ana. (Like a bad weekend. Or like a rotten evening. This is the shit I heard.)

Me: Nyee…laina ni Sir teacher oi.. (I don’t know why I feel like my tears seemed to flow out. No. Almost flow down.)

I learned that Sir Silva will actually be promoted to SSHT-IV. Good for you Sir. But the unpleasant news is that he'll be transferred to another station. And accordingly, he himself seemed to be a bit faint in riding his motorcycle from Kabasalan to Bacalan everyday. I know. Sir is not getting any younger and with respect to his health, it'll do no good to him. I completely understand sir. But my mind and all my system seemed to be closed to accept the fact that you are leaving. Perhaps because my system is conditioned to have you everyday as my father and my grandfather that I hold on to in this school. I put to my mind that we still have a long years to go together. A very long years that I didn't even let my mind to bother the question-how long? Until when? Now it seemed so real and it seemed so awful to my mind.

Just like the line from a song that I used to love, 'we don’t know what the next day life could be'. It seemed like just yesterday I want to come to school very early, so that I can prove to you sir that I will not take for granted the item I have and with my house just at the back side of the school, I will really come early to school everyday. I did it everyday sir. And just the other night I planned perfectly in my mind about what I would do with my classroom instruction so that you will know that I always give my best and I don't want to disappoint you. Those are so incredibly beautiful vision in my head. And today I walk to school with all those things in my head. I never expect the news I heard today. I didn’t and don’t want to anticipate it. Hopefully not too soon. Hopefully long enough that I would have time to prepare the courage to accept the fact that you are not going to stay with us forever.

I know you are so blessed Sir. And I hope more blessings will come to your life. And I hope you will continue sharing your blessings to everyone. Just like me, you are one of the blessing that has come into my life sir. People come and go in my life, but the goodness of people like you will stay forever in my heart sir. I am very sure that not only me, but to all the people who knew you will always consider you as one of the best blessing that had came into their lives. I don’t know and I don’t even want to know when you are going to leave, but right now I started to miss you sir. God bless you sir. We love you.

Tribute

Finally we’d successfully done with the Commencement Exercise. I do not really like to write about all these graduation thingy. It’s just that I was really saddened on one part during the ceremony. You know why?

It’s when the graduates were requested to pay tribute to their parents. And here is this student, he actually told the teachers earlier that he really do not want to speak for the tribute, but teachers insisted and he was requested to come to stage to speak. He is only 17, and I learned that he lost both of his parents during his childhood. During his speech I did not really heard what he really said, but thinking that he is orphaned, and he seemed to have no one to be attached to, it made my heart sink. Plus the accompanying melancholic song, my tears seemed to go with the flow also.

I hate to cry during those times but I can’t help it. The thoughts of him having no one else made my heart breaks. How it tears my heart apart. And thinking that some of the graduates had lost their mother, or father... Oh my God…my heart felt like it’s being crumpled over and over again.

Deep inside I thank Almighty Allah for blessing me with my parents who are always there to supports us in all aspects in life. I pray that Allah will not take them away from us early. I pray Allah will give them more life and years and good health to live with us.

And to the student, also to all of them who lost their parents early, I deeply sympathize with you. Just like what Teacher Vida said during her farewell speech to you, magsumikap kayo para dumaan sa tamang landas, huwag sa maliko na landas. Normal lang ang pagiging pasaway dahil lahat tayo ay nagkakamali. Ngunit lahat tayo ay binigyan din ng kakayahang magbago at magsumikap para sa matuwid na daan. I hope and pray that you guys will always be guided by God all through your life. May you guys have a good life ahead. Be good. Anyway, this is from me.

A Brief History of...

Who is actually Sultan Jamalul Kiram? I dont know. Different book tells different history, different country tells different versions, different people tells different stories and different source gives different facts.

Sultan Sulu Jamalul Kiram III

Siapakah Kiram?

Keluarga Kiram dari jalur Kesultanan Sulu ini sebenarnya bermula dari saat pemerintahan Sultan Muhammad Jamalul Kiram I (1832-1842) bin Sultan Muhammad Alimuddin III (1808).
Dari Jamalul Kiram I inilah bermulanya nama Kiram yang kita kenal hari ini, yang kemudian nama ini berakhir selepas kewafatan Sultan Jamalul Kiram II (1884-1936) yang mangkat tanpa zuriat ketika zaman kedatangan Amerika Syarikat ke Sulu.

Selepas itu tiada lagi Sultan Sulu yang diterima oleh rakyat Tausug disebabkan dominasi Amerika Syarikat itu.

Hal ini dilihat oleh rakyat bahawa Sultan dari keluarga Kiram adalah tali barut Amerika Syarikat yang tergamak merestui pembunuhan para keluarga Datu dan Syarif Tausug di Bud Dahu, Mac 1906 dan Disember 1911 serta pertempuran di Bud Bagsak, Jun 1913.

Sultan Kiram II yang terakhir itu terpaksa memberikan restu kepada Amerika Syarikat membunuh muslimin rakyatnya sendiri berjumlah labih 4,000 orang (yang syahid 1,600 orang termasuk wanita dan kanak-kanak) yang memilih menentang USA dan arahan Sultan.

Tausug menentang Sultan kerana bersekongkol dengan USA yang terkeluar dari undang-undang Darul Islam yang mana Tausug enggan dikutip cukai kepala oleh USA.

Menurut Tausug, Allah s.w.t tidak pernah berfirman kepada RasulNya untuk mengutip cukai kepala kepada ummah. Maka Tausug beramai-ramai naik ke gunung duduk di gua batu sebagai mana ASHABUL KAHFI.

Hal ini bagi mereka adalah fitnah besar yang mengancam akidah mereka maka wajib meninggalkan kemewahan kampung halaman menuju ke gunung untuk selamat dari fitnah itu. Sebaliknya mereka dibunuh oleh Amerika atas restu Sultan KIRAM.

Hari ini, kita dikejutkan dengan kedatangan tentera KIRAM yang mengaku sebagai tentera Sultan Sulu. Keluarga Kiram sangat ramai. Ada keluarga dari sebelah Puteri Piyandao bin Sultan Badaruddin I, ada Kiram dari jalur keluarga Sultan Esmail I (ini yang serahkan Sulu kepada Filipina pada tahun 1962) bin Rajamuda Mawallilwasit.

Malah ada juga Kiram dari Datu Punjungan bin Rajamuda Mawallilwasit (inilah ayahanda Jamalul Kiram III yang kerahkan tentera upahan ke Lahad Datu), dan banyak lagi kiram yang sekarang sedang merancang untuk menjadi Sultan kesemuanya.

Kalau ada 1,000 lelaki kiram hari ini, maka Sulu akan ada 1,000 sultan yang mengaku Sultan Sulu dari keluarga Kiram. Berebut menjadi Sultan tanpa rakyat, masuk bakul angkat sendiri. Tanpa pengetahuan sejarah protokol kesultanan, tanpa mengetahui tertib pertabalan, tanpa mengetahui adat para Datu dan Syarif Tausug. Jadilah seperti Kiram yang kita lihat hari ini.

Tahukah anda bagaimana Sultan Sulu ditabalkan oleh rakyat, kehendak rakyat, kehendak para Datu dan Syarif? Tahukah anda bahawa kehilangan institusi kesultanan Sulu itu hanya dapat kembali dengan menyedarkan Tausug agar membuang kewarganegaraan Filipina menggantikannya kepada rakyat Sulu secara hakiki.

Sebab itu muncul seorang pembela dari keluarga Maharaja Adinda Aranan Puyo masuk ke kampung-kampung tanpa rasa takut membangkitkan semangat juang Tausug tanpa senjata, memacak bendera Sulu Darul Islam terakhir sambil melaungkan ALLAHU AKBAR!! TAUSUG BANGKIT!! KALIAN BUKAN FILIPINO HAMBA KEPADA KING PHILIP II SEPANYOL!! KALIAN ADALAH MERDEKA SEJAK SULTAN SYARIFUL HASYIM MENYATUKAN KITA DENGAN DARUL ISLAM!! TAUSUG BANGKIT!!

Beliau ialah cucu kepada Datu Aranan Puyo ini adalah cicit SULTAN BANTILAN MUIZZUDDIN I (1748-1763) yang digelar oleh ahli sejarah dunia sebagai DEFENDER OF ISLAM. Sempena nama moyangnya ini maka Baginda dinamakan Sultan BANTILAN MUHAMMAD MUIZZUDDIN II. Setelah berjaya menghimpunkan puluhan ribu penyokong di Jolo, beliau diangkat menjadi Sultan Sulu yang berdaulat pada tanggal 19 Mac 2009 oleh rakyat jelata dengan laungan takbir dan dendangan Salawat.

Sejak itu Keluarga KIRAM bungkam seribu bahasa. Hanya satu perkara yang boleh mereka buat ialah mencabar siapa sahaja dengan senjata. Walhal mereka tahu, bukan sahaja mereka yang pandai BERMAIN senjata. Semua TAUSUG semula jadi pakar bermain senjata, bukan hanya Kiram.

Sultan Bantilan II ini jauh lebih bijak walau tak pernah mencecah darjah 3 di sekolah Siasi. Namun Baginda adalah pemidato, pedagang yang berjaya, pandai mengatur manusia, handal dalam diplomasi, dan mendapat dokongan generasi muda Tausug. Berjiwa merdeka, tak seperti Kiram yang hanya mengusung bendera Filipina bersama mereka ke hulu ke hilir.

Sultan Bantilan II walau bergerak secara aman tanpa senjata, anti peperangan dan anti keganasan, namun gerakannya ditakuti. Sehingga peluru musuh menjadi AIR dengan izin Allah s.w.t.

Mereka yang menceroboh Lahad Datu adalah keluarga Kiram yang suatu masa dahulu telah menganiayai rakyatnya sendiri dengan merelakan pembunuhan beramai-ramai oleh tentera Amerika. Terang-terangan saja mereka ditolak oleh rakyat Sulu sendiri.

Masih wajarkah mereka menuntut Lahad Datu sebagai hak mereka sedangkan Sulu sudah mempunyai seorang sultan yang baru. Seorang sultan yang dilantik oleh rakyat Sulu sendiri yang mana juga merupakan seorang berketurunan sultan dari susur galur SULTAN BANTILAN MUIZZUDDIN I?

Sumber: http://beritamy.blogspot.com/2013